I am a single mum, and no, I am not a man hater.
Lately I have been receiving a lot of accusations that I am a man hater. I am a single mum, so I must be a man hater, right? Wrong!
I created Single Mother Survival Guide to inspire, motivate, inform and support single mums. Not to hate on men. But it seems that people are getting confused with what single mums supporting each other actually means. From what I am hearing it equates to hating on men. This is very far from the truth.
There are many single mums who have come out of very toxic relationships. Some have even come out of abusive relationships. This is really awful, and no one should have to go through that. Some mums end up single because they have left a partner who has issues with addiction, and some were cheated on and subsequently left behind. But this is not the only reason why mums end up becoming single.
Some are single mothers because their husbands or partners have passed away suddenly. Sometimes relationships just run their course and two people mutually decide to part ways. Some women cheat on their husbands, and decide to leave and start a new life. And sometimes women are just unhappy in their relationship, and want more from life.
In my work, many single mums that I come across have a difficult relationship with their ex. It is something that can hold them back from moving on with their lives, and finding happiness. I have a difficult relationship with my ex too. Do I hate him? Absolutely not. He gave me the greatest gift ever – my daughter, and I will be forever grateful to him for that. Do we get along? Not usually. But do I let it affect my life and hold me back? Not anymore.
But many single mothers have a great co-parenting relationship with the father of their children. I think that’s amazing and a goal that we can all work towards, if circumstances permit.
It is true that some single mums are very jaded about men because of the experience they have had. And can you blame them? The main reason why people become bitter and jaded is from a negative experience or experiences; they are scared of getting hurt again. It is a self protection mechanism. This changes over time if they do the work to let go of their past and change their mindset.
But the same can be said for men. Many men hate on women because they too have been burnt. And that is also understandable. Something that is not so often talked about is that men are also sometimes abused in relationships. Men are also cheated on, and men are left behind by women too. There can be a lot of bitterness and anger from both sexes, if bad experiences have been had.
I do have a problem with people assuming that I am man hater because of the fact that I am a single mum and I support other single mums. I have many great men in my life; some are my favourite people – I am so lucky to have three great brothers, my wonderful dad, other amazing male family members, and male friends who are such beautiful people. Many of my girlfriends have wonderful partners or husbands too. In my work, I also support single dads, and I have some great single dad friends too.
I do not hate men at all. It’s really the opposite of what I’m about. I do believe there are some men out there who are not good people, but I also believe there are some women out there who are not good people. People are individuals, it’s not based on sex. There can be a little bit (or a lot) of crazy in some men and women.
Something that I really try to help people with is to change their mindset from negative to positive. The ladies that I mentor will know that statements such as “all men are bad”, or “men are shit” are not helpful to them. It reinforces negative thinking and enables them to find evidence to support their belief and remain stuck in their ways. I always pull them up on those sorts of statements and encourage them to come up with an alternate way of thinking. Because those statements are just not true at all. They are not facts.
Supporting single mums is about providing a listening ear, guiding them, and helping them to overcome their relationship break-up grief, and to start life fresh as a single parent. It’s also about assisting them to change their mindset from negative to positive and so they can feel empowered and excited about life, and open about putting themselves out there again. It’s about encouraging them to start dating after they have got to the point of feeling good about themselves and happy being on their own.
For the record, I am not single because I hate men. I feel really good being on my own right now, and I have different priorities at the moment. I am holding out for something and someone truly amazing who can add to my non-man hating already amazing life. I do believe that most people are good, and I do believe in love.
DID YOU KNOW?
The Single Mother Survival Guide online course is launching shortly! This is something that I REALLY wished had been available to me when I became a single mum. I am super dooper excited about this! It gives mums the tools that they need to get life back on track and to feeling empowered in a really supportive environment.
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