There are few things more gut-wrenching than watching your ex be cruel, dismissive, or downright mean in front of your child. It’s one thing to deal with their behaviour privately, but when it happens in front of little eyes and ears? That hits differently.
If you’ve experienced this, first let me say: you’re not alone. Many single mums go through the heartbreak (and frustration) of witnessing these moments and wondering how on earth to protect their kids while keeping themselves together.
Here’s the good news: you have more power than you think. You may not be able to control your ex’s behaviour (wouldn’t that be nice? 🙏🏼), but you can control your response. And your response matters more than you realise.
1. Stay Calm in the Moment
I know, it’s easier said than done. But your child is watching you, and how you react, just as much as they’re watching your ex. When you stay calm, you’re modelling emotional regulation and showing them that meanness doesn’t have to create chaos. Or that you have to be mean back. Take a deep breath, ground yourself, and respond (or don’t respond) with composure.
When this used to happen to me when my daughter was little, I’d respond to him in a way similar to how I would speak to a child her age. For example, “Oh, well, that isn’t a very nice way of speaking” or “that is unacceptable behaviour“. And I’d leave it at that.
2. Don’t Take the Bait
A mean comment is often designed to provoke a reaction. By refusing to engage, you take away their power. You don’t need the last word. You don’t need to prove your point in front of your child. Sometimes silence speaks louder than a comeback.
3. Protect Your Child from the Crossfire
If things escalate, remove your child from the situation if possible, without making it dramatic. You might say, “Sweetheart, let’s go grab your bag from the car,” or distract them with a change of scenery. This isn’t about shielding them from reality forever, but about sparing them unnecessary conflict in the moment.
4. Debrief with Your Child Afterwards (Gently)
Depending on your child’s age, you can offer simple reassurance:
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“That was about grown-up stuff, not you.”
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“It’s not okay to speak to people that way, but we can choose kindness.”
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“You’re safe and loved.”
The key is to validate what they saw or heard without badmouthing your ex. You don’t need to paint them as a villain. Just reassure your child that the behaviour wasn’t right and that it’s not their fault.
5. Keep the Bigger Picture in Mind
Children learn more from what they observe than what they’re told. By consistently modelling respect, boundaries, and calm in the face of conflict, you’re teaching your child invaluable life skills. You’re showing them: This is how we handle difficult people. This is what dignity looks like.
6. Lean on Your Support System
It’s okay to admit this hurts. It’s bloody exhausting. You don’t have to carry it alone. Vent to a friend, a coach, or a therapist. Someone who can hold space for you so you don’t bottle it up or spill it out in front of your child.
7. Choose Your Next Steps Wisely
If your ex’s behaviour is a one-off, sometimes the best course is to let it go. But if it’s consistent and damaging, you may need to set firmer boundaries through communication strategies, legal avenues, or formal agreements. Protecting your peace (and your child’s) is not being “difficult.” It’s being a good parent. Post-separation abuse is not okay.
The Bottom Line
Your ex being mean in front of your child sucks. On one hand, you don’t want it to look to your child that you are tolerating the abuse (and post-separation abuse is a real thing!). On the other hand, having it out with them right then and there isn’t appropriate either. But it doesn’t define your child’s future. What matters most is how you show up.
You are the steady presence. You are the safe place. You are the model they will remember.
And trust me, your child will notice the difference between how their parents treat each other. Over time, your calm, loving presence will have far more impact than your ex’s unkind words. And when they’re older, they’ll understand everything they’ve witnessed themselves even more (speaking from my own experience).
💛 If you’re struggling with these moments and want support in building strategies to protect your peace, this is exactly the kind of work I do with my clients. You don’t have to figure this out alone.
P.S. DID YOU KNOW?
Thrive Tribe – the global membership experience for single mothers – will be opening again very soon! Join the waitlist here.
PLUS You can book one-on-one coaching with Julia Hasche from wherever you are in the world!
- Do you need clarity on whether you should leave your partner or not?
- Have you just parted ways with your partner, and feeling lost?
- Have you been single for a little while now and need assistance with getting your life back on track and feeling empowered?
Click HERE to read about coaching and to hear from some others who have gone through coaching programs with Julia, and book in here for your 30-minute complimentary Clarity Call.
The purpose of the Clarity Call is:
- For me to get to know you and understand an overview of your current situation and where you are at.
- For us to establish what you need assistance with to move forward.
- To see if we are both comfortable working together.
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