If you’re co-parenting with someone who seems to thrive on drama, you’ve probably discovered how exhausting it can be. The constant digs, the passive-aggressive texts, the last-minute changes… It’s like they always know how to push your buttons.
Enter the grey rock method – a simple, powerful strategy that can help you stop fueling the fire and protect your peace.
What is the Grey Rock Method?
The grey rock method is a communication strategy designed to make you uninteresting to someone who craves drama, conflict, or control. Think about a grey rock – dull, bland, and unremarkable. When you apply this idea to interactions, you give your ex nothing to react to.
Instead of snapping back, overexplaining, or defending yourself, you keep your responses neutral, short, and emotion-free. This makes it harder for your ex to drag you into an argument or get the emotional reaction they’re looking for.
Why Does the Grey Rock Method Work?
Toxic or high-conflict people often feed off reactions – whether it’s anger, frustration, or even tears. When you stop giving them those reactions, they’re forced to look elsewhere for that “supply.”
It doesn’t mean they’ll suddenly become easy to deal with, but it does mean you stop being such an easy target. The less energy you give, the less power they have over you.
How to Use the Grey Rock Method With Your Ex
Here are some simple ways to put it into practice:
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Keep texts short.
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Instead of: “I can’t believe you’re changing the pickup time again, this is so unfair!”
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Try: “Noted.” or “See you at 5.”
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Stick to the facts.
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Avoid explaining, justifying, or apologising unnecessarily.
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Example: “School pickup is at 3 pm.” Full stop.
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Don’t take the bait.
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If they throw an insult like “You’re such a terrible mother,” resist firing back.
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A calm “I’ll respond when you’re ready to discuss parenting matters” can shut it down.
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Limit your exposure.
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If possible, keep communication to text or email so you’re less likely to react in the heat of the moment.
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Use neutral tone and body language.
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At handovers, avoid eye-rolls, heavy sighs, or sarcasm. Keep it business-like.
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When Not to Use Grey Rock
Grey rocking is powerful, but it’s not for every situation. Don’t use it with:
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Your kids. Children need warmth and connection, never emotional flatness.
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Emergencies. If a child’s safety is at stake, clear communication comes first.
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Court or legal settings. You’ll need to stay professional, not flat.
Protecting Yourself While You Grey Rock
The hardest part about this method isn’t keeping things short; it’s managing your emotions underneath. You might be boiling inside while sending that one-word reply, and that’s normal.
To help, try:
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Journaling or venting safely (with a coach, therapist, or friend).
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Practising mindfulness to ground yourself before and after interactions.
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Reminding yourself that every bland response is a win for your peace of mind.
Grey rocking isn’t about being cold or shutting down completely; it’s about choosing not to hand over your energy to someone who doesn’t deserve it.
By keeping things calm, neutral, and unemotional, you regain control. You stop feeding the cycle of conflict and start creating space for yourself to heal, grow, and focus on what really matters — you and your children.
P.S. DID YOU KNOW?
Thrive Tribe – the global membership experience for single mothers – will be opening again very soon! Join the waitlist here.
PLUS You can book one-on-one coaching with Julia Hasche from wherever you are in the world!
- Do you need clarity on whether you should leave your partner or not?
- Have you just parted ways with your partner, and feeling lost?
- Have you been single for a little while now and need assistance with getting your life back on track and feeling empowered?
Click HERE to read about coaching and to hear from some others who have gone through coaching programs with Julia, and book in here for your 30-minute complimentary Clarity Call.
The purpose of the Clarity Call is:
- For me to get to know you and understand an overview of your current situation and where you are at.
- For us to establish what you need assistance with to move forward.
- To see if we are both comfortable working together.
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