Seven Crucial Lessons Learned in Five Years of Single Parenting.

It’s safe to say that I have learned a lot in my five years of single parenting. By no means do I have everything sorted at all times. There are some really difficult aspects of single parenting that I do struggle with, but I have learned some lessons that have definitely made life as a single mum easier.

Here are some of the most useful lessons I have learned about single motherhood.

1. Accept it for what it is.

Did you plan to be a single mum? If your story is anything like mine, becoming a single mum was not on the agenda. Most people don’t want to be a single mum. Unless they have decided to be a single mum by choice, it is not the path they set out on from the start. But somehow they have found themselves on a new path.

Personally I struggled to accept this for quite some time. This was not how MY life was supposed to be. I am a planner, and THIS was not in the five year plan. What the heck was I supposed to do now? But the sooner I accepted it. the sooner I was able to overcome the shame and the fear and work out my next moves and goals. And you know what? A re-jig of plans isn’t too bad at all.

I also struggled to accept that my co-parenting relationship was so difficult. I fought a constant battle in my head – not understanding why it had to be so hard. But learning that it is what it is, and that I can’t change anyone else really helped. And instead I put my energy into working on how I could best manage the co-parenting relationship from my side. And I stopped wishing that my ex would change his ways.

The other thing is, it’s important to not let yourself live with the victim mentality. You might feel sorry for yourself at the start, but don’t let that be your new way of life. How you react and respond to things is a choice. Don’t let it define you, but rather let it be an opportunity for growth.

2. Don’t worry about what people think.

I felt so much shame when I became a new single mum. I thought people would look down on me and think that I was unworthy of being a mum, or that something was wrong with me. That I had failed. I’d heard some awful things in the media about single mums that really niggled at my insecurities (Ann Coulter, for example, has a lot to answer for). But over time I learned that people will have an opinion on others no matter what.

I surrounded myself with some other single mums, and soon came to the realisation that we are pretty FREAKING AMAZING. Some of the things single mothers have been through are unbelievable. It takes a very strong woman to remove herself from a toxic relationship, and incredible strength to overcome a relationship breakdown (especially when there are children involved). I saw the strength that single mothers had and all the amazing qualities that can come out of being a single mum. Now I feel pretty damn honoured to be in the single mum club, and I really couldn’t care less what other people think of my relationship status. I know my story, my daughter is happy and healthy, and that’s what’s important.

3. Lower your expectations.

Things are different when you become a single mum. You become a one woman show, and you cannot possibly be ALL the things and do ALL the things ALL the time. The sooner you learn to lower your expectations of yourself, the lighter you’ll feel and the less guilt you’ll feel. Do not worry if your kids have to eat cereal for dinner from time to time because you’re too tired to cook. And if your house isn’t spotless all the time? Don’t feel guilty about it. Can’t afford swimming lessons? You can take your kids to the local pool and teach them yourself. They are happy and that’s what matters. Don’t try to do or be everything. Lower the bar, and be kind to yourself.

4. Know that you don’t have “baggage”.

When I started to put myself out there in the dating world I had a mindset of: Who would possibly want to be with me when I have a child?. Nonetheless I put myself on eharmony and soon connected with a man I liked. Let’s call him Justin. Justin and I went on two dates and got along great. We had a lot in common, but after our second date Justin sent me a very long winded text which pretty much stated that he didn’t want to progress with dating me because I had a child. He was not ready for that kind of relationship. He wanted an “easier start” to a relationship.

Because it was my first dating experience as a single mum I felt quite rejected. It took a lot for me to put myself out there and, to me, it reaffirmed my suspicions of nobody wanting me because I came as a package.

But then I got lucky.

I met a guy at a charity event one evening. We were getting along great and he was lovely. We were talking about going on a date after his upcoming overseas trip. I thought I’d better break the news that I had a child to him sooner than later so I didn’t get disappointed. I was expecting a similar dismissal that Justin gave me. So far my dating experiences as a single mum was not going well. But this man surprised me. He said “well you are in your thirties. A lot of women in their thirties have kids“. He wasn’t phased about it. At all.

And just like that my mindset shifted from feeling like the odd one out to feeling like it was completely normal. May we all be lucky enough to meet a man like him. To this day, he is still one of the kindest men I know, and a very close friend of ours.

So please don’t think you have baggage. Baggage implies past negative problems that one is bringing into a relationship. Having a child is not a negative. It’s the best thing ever! It will bring other facets to a relationship, for sure. And it is definitely something to consider quite seriously by both parties when entering a relationship. But it’s not baggage. It’s not an unresolved issue. It’s life, and it’s life experience. And if someone is making you feel bad, or ashamed that you have a child, then they are not the right person for you. The right person should eventually love you AND your children and understand and accept that you come as a package. Not with baggage. And as my good friend reminded me – lots of people have children and ex-partners or spouses. It’s not unusual. Case closed.

5. Ask for help.

You have to ask for help sometimes. Most of the time we carry on, struggling even, because we don’t want to ask for help or because we want to pretend that everything is A-OK. Today is R U OK? day. To me, it’s not about asking for help or support *TODAY*, or for asking our friends and family if they are OK *TODAY*, but it’s about starting the conversation *TODAY*.

We are all just people trying our best. And sometimes we struggle. Some struggle more than others. And it’s perfectly fine, and not a sign of weakness, to reach out to people and say that you are struggling, and that you need help. It’s hard sometimes for us as single mums, and we do need help from time to time. If it’s emotional support, or if it’s someone to help with the school pick up. Ask. People are usually happy to help out but just don’t know how. So be specific with asking for what you need too.

6. Meet other single mums.

Meeting other single mums has ~so~ many benefits. In fact, I wrote a whole blog post about it. Meeting other single mums, and nurturing those connections can help with so much. There is of course the practical help and emotional support that can come in handy (because no one gets it more than another single mum). And then there is also the mindset shift that happens. Becoming friends with other single mums will make you see how incredible we really are.

7. Make time for yourself.

Do you feel guilty sometimes having time to yourself? I know I used to. As single mums we can feel a lot of guilt about a lot of things – our children don’t have their parents together anymore, perhaps there has been a pretty major lifestyle change, maybe you haven’t been able to take them on a holiday yet, maybe you feel guilty that they have to be in day care or after school care every day but you have no choice but to go back to work… The list is endless.

So the thought of taking a few hours here or there to do something nice for yourself is unfathomable. How could we possibly take a few hours away from our kids when they need us? The reality, however, is that being a single mum is HARD WORK. And we need to look after ourselves too. We need to take the time out to refresh ourselves, to look after ourselves, and to relax. And then? We come back to our children renewed, refreshed, and re-energised with a more patient and clearer perspective. We are better mothers. Try it!

What are some big lessons you’ve learned on your single-parenting journey? Tell me in the comments below. I’d love to hear them!

P.S DID YOU KNOW?

Thrive Tribe – the global membership experience for single mothers – will be opening again for enrolment later this year. Join the waitlist here.